While their classmates’ sexuality is celebrated at the prom, gay folks might be sneaking into gay bars or secretly searching the adult apps for hook ups. Many queer people also learn to be excellent at pretending. Sound familiar? Most people on the planet, with the exception of a few young people today in a handful of tiny progressive neighborhoods, have been raised with the shaming notion that it is better for them to be straight than to be gay.
Without it we get the development of shame.
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Guess which “A” is often missing for queer kids?Īccording to Richo, acceptance, which is being free of preconceived plans or agendas, leads to a sense of being an inherently good person.
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In his well-known book, How To Be An Adult In A Relationship, psychotherapist Dave Richo, PhD, outlines the 5 A’s that all children need from their caregivers for healthy development.Īllowing (which really means some flexibility rather than rigidity and severity) Relationships are scary because getting closer always involves the risk of vulnerability. They know this in the cortex section of their brain-the part that is responsible for conscious thought and reason.īut in the lower, younger, and more primitive areas of the brain, the memory of feeling unlovable can still run the show when it comes to getting close to someone.
I work with many couples who understand intellectually that they are lovable people. Remember what it felt like to first realize you were gay? That you were something that the people closest to you thought was disgusting or embarrassing? That this part of you-that doesn’t go away-was basically yucky?Įven your mother, who may have adored you more than anyone on the planet, still might have said cruel things about gay people before you came out to her.Īnd now, as an adult, you’re supposed to be comfortable being yourself and being vulnerable in love relationships? Fuhgeddaboudit! Why should you open yourself to another person if your first experiences being loved were tinged with the knowledge that you might be rejected just for being your normal self? If your parents, grandparents, siblings, or friends knew you were not straight, they might stop loving you. Practically every queer kid on the planet experiences this anxiety. It contributes to our hiding in our most intimate relationships.
This fear lives in the psyche of many LGBTQ people. “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.” We find the following unconscious belief in one or both members of the couple: Often in my couples counseling work with gay men, we uncover the underlying reason why the couple is having trouble feeling connected.